Coping With Grief
This website isn't a theoretical look at how to cope with death. There are many sites like that out there
on the web and there are many books that explore those issues in a very scholarly manner. However I know
that many people are looking for something now. They don’t want to take a class or read major volumes
and theories surrounding death, loss, coping and grief. That is the need I am trying to fill.
I will continue to add things to this page and to my blog to help you on your journey.
The Road Begins
Obviously there is no magic incantation to make everything better after
a loved one has died. In fact, if you have very recently suffered the loss of a loved one, your main
job right now is to survive – to keep your head together. You are beginning an incredibly difficult
emotional roller coaster ride. There will be times when you think you have everything together, and then
the bottom will fall out, and then you’ll be okay, and then the bottom falls out. It will get worse
before it gets better.
You better know who loves you!
You need them now!
Do not get into
the thinking of “I don’t want to be a burden.” It is the worst type of thinking that you could do right
now. You don’t get any bonus points at the end of your life because you didn’t ask for help.
Ask
for help. It might be going through counseling with a therapist or religious person, going to a support group,
or talking to a good friend. Doing something like this doesn’t mean you’re weird or weak. It actually
shows you’re pretty smart and strong. You are really doing something to help yourself get through a very difficult
time. In fact, don’t say you’re working through this if you really aren’t doing anything at all except
being miserable.
Know yourself.
Don’t do things, especially early after a loss, which you know
will probably be incredibly difficult to get through very well, if at all. If, for example, you know
that if you look at pictures of you and your loved one you will become despondent don’t do it for awhile.
Not doing it right after a loss doesn’t mean you will never do it. Timing is critical.
Keep track of
your day.
Write down what you did during the day. It doesn’t have to be a major essay. Just write
down what you did. It’s better to jot it down when you are doing it so that you don’t forget.
Why?
Because you can start to see what things seem to be helping you and what things seem to be making it
worse for you. Perhaps meeting a certain person right now is creating more problems than help. Or maybe
you will notice that you aren’t doing certain things that could be helpful. Perhaps you will begin to
notice that you have fallen into a rut and it is not helping you. You might notice what times of the
day are worse for you and you can prepare yourself ahead of time to make sure you are doing something
that might minimize the pain.
Allow yourself to feel your pain.
Don’t think you have to be
the strong one all the time. It is understandable that if you have young children you don’t want to
look like you are falling apart in front of them. They might easily become frightened at seeing you
in distress even if you don’t believe you are falling apart.
Don’t misunderstand me. I am
not saying that if you do show emotion in front of them you are damaging them for life. I only use
this fairly typical example to make a point that if you are facing this type of dilemma in your mind
it is critical that you have a place where you can get your emotions out. Many people like to do that
in private and that is fine. However, my experience has been that it is really positive to have at least
one person that you can show your emotions to - someone who can comfort you without trying to “save” you.
Don’t mislabel what you are doing
This actually refers back to the concept of “falling apart.”
Don’t label crying or even intense emotional pain as falling apart.
Don’t say things like, “If I start crying,
I’ll never stop.” I have worked with people for over thirty years and I’ve never seen that happen.
Don’t
label being sad, even extremely sad, as being depressed. Depression is very different than being sad.
I’m not saying you can’t get depressed, but if you label things worse than they are, you either start
to begin a self-fulfilling prophecy where you end up being in that worse place, or you become so afraid
of showing any emotions that you bottle everything up and create a lot more problems than necessary.
Dr. Scott Sheperd, Ph.D.
P.O. Box 724
Sylvania OH 43560
Phone: (419) 475–4528
Scott@RainbowsHappen.com
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